In my heart I am this girl

In my heart I am this girl
trailing after you
able to completely 
give myself
everything
everything inside of me
without fear
without hesitation


Nothing mattering more
than to be at your feet


As much as I yearn
I am not this girl
I stumble
I lash out
I fail
over and over
always getting in
my own way


but know in my heart
I only want to be this girl
and give you all
of me

Initiation

I am there in front of everyone
the room dark, except for the flames
of the fire mesmerizing me
as I try to push through the fear
and will myself to step forward 
towards Him


I am there of my own choice
Every step I have made deliberately,
with careful thought
I sought this out, to surrender
to put myself in the hands of the Masters


I'm stripped bare
completely exposed
my body, my reactions, my feelings
every shield I have I have removed
my clothes, my words, my will
there is no place to hide


I am not brave
I offer no resistance
I break down quickly
under the whip
I obey meekly
dissolving into tears


As I'm given to the Masters
overwhelmed, in a blur
unlike anything I have
experienced before
there is a moment when I think its more
than I can bear
where I am ready to scream for them to stop


but I don't
because I chose this.. to see
what I was capable of
what would happen
when I walked through the door
that I've always been afraid to open


So in this room dark, except for the flames
I surrender to all

Your Valentine

Thank you
For allowing me to give you
all my love
For taking all the submission
 I have to offer
My gratitude is endless
I want nothing more
than you be Yours

25 Things about me and my submission

1. I am a late bloomer, I married the boy I started dating at 16 and it was not until we separated 25+ years later that I really began to explore my sexuality, prior to that my experiences were very, very vanilla.
2. My interest in submission started out with an intense attraction to the idea of being sexually submissive, its grown dramatically from there. While sexual pleasure is still a big part of it, I have found an emotional depth and deeper spiritual pleasure in it than I ever thought possible.
3. Though I don't behave noticeably submissive in my everyday life, I definitely invest a lot in pleasing other people and whenever I can make someone happy I get a lot of satisfaction from that.
4. I have an uneasy relationship with pain in scening, I love it and I'm confused that I do, though I'm beginning to accept it more, and accept that I may never completely understand it.
5. I never, ever thought I could let down my defenses enough to be owned. It's been exhilarating to jump off that cliff.
6. I'm the youngest of five children, I sometimes wonder about the psychology of that. in my early years I was lucky enough to grow up feeling surrounded by love and feeling very cared for. I think I've sought to replicate that experience my entire adult life. I'm also very used to being told what to do :)
7. I struggle with feeling so needy and dependant on my Master, I would like to find a way to carry the happiness and confidence I feel when I'm with him further into my life when we aren't able to be in contact.
8. I love manners and protocols. If I'm around rude or crude people I get very tense, as though bad chords are being played on a piano.
9. I find water very calming whether its being in it, bathing, showering, floating or being near it in lakes, rivers or oceans. I often stand under the shower til the hot water is all gone when I'm upset or have something I need to sort out.
10. From the moment I met my I met my Master I was wildly drawn to him, though I pretended not to be, and by our third conversation was pretty much beside myself at how strong the desire to be near him was  and be submissive to him.  It was very unnerving to me. It was much stronger than I had felt before.
11. I love physical affection, hugging, kissing.. more hugging, and because of my Master's preferences I can now add, tickling, squeezing, pinching and even a playful bite to that. I can never get enough!
12. I am playful and although I can be serious, often things will strike me as funny or amusing even in the midst of very serious moments... which leads to a bit of a problem with people perceiving inappropriate giggling on my part.
13. Which leads to... often one of my first reactions at time after orgasm is to laugh, to me its a release, like crying or screaming but it has unnerved a few people who have witnessed it.
14. My favourite season is the fall, I love the cool crispness in the air, the changing leaves and to me it seems like a time to start things again.
15. I have a very busy mind, and I have a lot of trouble turning it off. One of the many things I love, love, love about D/s is that in learning to focus on my Master and I have been able to find a stillness in my mind.
16. If someone raises their voice to me, or even speaks to me in a very angry voice I pretty much dissolve into a puddle of tears, I hate that and yet I've learned its something I really cannot prevent.
17. A wonderful lesson from being in a D/s relationship that I have transferred to my everyday life is that letting go of control does not mean letting go of responsibility. I still have a responsibility to ensure my needs are met, that I am doing everything to the best of my abilities, that I am seeking and finding satisfaction in what I do.
18. One of my initial fears in this path was that being submissive would require me to be passive. I have found it to be the very opposite. I constantly and continually seek out ways to serve, the more active I am, the more joy I find in it.
19. Some of the online scenes with my Master have been the most intensely emotional and erotic experiences I have ever had in my life, and I've had many incredible rl sexual experiences.
20. I love all kinds of social media and am extremely connected to the internet, Twitter, Facebook and use other similar sites for business and personal. I have an Iphone, Ipad and laptop that go almost everywhere with me.
21. I love the idea of kneeling but I need to do a lot more work on my flexibility to be able to stay in the position comfortably for any length of time.
22. My Master and I spent several months discussing a D/s contract before I took his collar. In the end we did not sign it or formalize it. Once we had gone through all the discussion I felt such a deep sense of trust in his feelings and approach that there was no need for that layer of protection. I would highly recommend that process to anyone entering into a D/s relationship.
23. I worried at first about my perceived conflict between teaching my daughters to be strong and confident and my own "dark" desires to be controlled and owned. Now I've realized that the true lesson, is that each of us is most happy if we are allowed to live according to our true natures. I want my daughters to have the strength and courage to have relationships that allow them to flourish and grow and be accepted for who they are, whoever that may be.
24. I'm in my late 40's, each decade of my life has gotten better, I'm looking forward to my 50's. I have no problem with aging and don't wish I was younger, but I worry about my health.
25. In submission have found a sense of peace that I have never found before.

This idea for this post came from a favourite blog of mine, Submissive Guide, I missed participating in the event but I was still inspired by it.


http://www.submissiveguide.com/2011/10/submissive-blog-hop-challenge-1-25-things/

Owned

I feel it surround me
radiating
through me
from deep inside
resonating
softly
steadily
in that place

where the everything

I am emanates from

with every step

I feel your presence

inside of me

the weight of the chain

deepening

the sense

profoundly

owned

in every sense

inexplicably comforting

and peaceful

Halloween fantasy

I kneel before you
completely naked
body and soul
and I tilt my neck
in offering to you
You reach down
and pull me up
and sink your teeth
deep into me
demanding all of me
and I respond
letting you pull everything
from me
letting you reach deeper
demand more
than I knew I had
to give
and as my very essence
and being
flows into you
I am rebirthed
in ecstacy

Allow me the peace of mind to immerse myself in the joy of serving Him.
Allow me to accept his decisions and judgement with Grace
Allow me the courage to reveal myself completely to Him.
Allow me the tenderness to comfort Him
Allow me the wisdom to be an asset to Him.
Allow me the desire to please Him, beyond myself.
Let me accept my punishment with wisdom
Let me remember that He is here to protect me
Let me show Him each day my love of my service to Him.
Let me open myself up to give Him every part of me.
Let my eyes show Him the same respect, whether I sit at His side,
or kneel at His feet.
Permit me to love myself, as He loves me
For it is my greatest wish, to bring Him
all of the happiness and completeness He has brought to my life.


This was personalized from the Kajira's creed